Mental Illness, Fractured Families
"If I can stop one heart from breaking...." The profound simplicity of what was written by Emily Dickinson continues to float through my mind as I pray for the surviving members of the Rob and Michele Reiner family.
Perhaps it is because I am a registered nurse and because I spent time working in locked psychiatric facilities in two different cities. But more likely my current sentiment is due to the fact that I am lending support to a dear friend and her husband. Their son - has been shipped off to another state for treatment. He returns home on 27 December. They should not open their door. And they should change the locks.
The Reiner's told their friends that individuals with diplomas on their walls had lied to them and told them their son was manipulative. The professionals got it right. There is no greater manipulation than that accomplished by drug addiction which leads to mental illness. Or if you want to chicken-egg it, mental illness which leads to drug addiction. The parents verbalized being afraid of their son. And yet, he was an adult allowed to live within an arm's length of them. Now the story is reduced to one of forensic teams collecting evidence.
As a nurse, I took note of a family dynamic when working neuro ICU with catastrophic brain injuries. Generally, the dynamic involved the mother and child. That child, was never going to be restored to full function. But so much time was invested at the bedside, the siblings of the injured would suffer neglect by the mother. Things go sideways too in the marital realm. After sending one deeply injured survivor of a brain injury home, word came back to us several months later. The father ran off with the nurse providing home care. Fear of neglect makes us do crazy things on both sides of the equation.
Severe mental illness is within the same family-of-dynamics which affect the dynamics of prior healthy family units. Dad and Mom can fracture their own bloodline, create armed camps within the home, and hostile encampments outside the home when meeting the care needs for young adult or fully adult mentally ill or drug-addled children. Children take notes, resentments build, and vibrant families are destroyed by the one.
Have we kicked an adult child to the curb with a backpack with a reminder that we would always love him? Yes. Did he end up on the streets? Of course. I would see him trudging along in the cold. And it was very difficult for me. Was it necessary? Absolutely. He could not live under our roof. He could not return to re-create the dynamic which brought harm to our family. A Swofford rule is that none are allowed to destroy the peace under our roof. We have worked hard for this luxury.
It was difficult to commit to this plan of action. But aspects were carefully thought out and planned ahead of time. I called the police and asked for standby assistance prior to my husband and I delivering the news to our son. One police cruiser drove up. Then another. And a third. I sat pleasantly with an officer and made the comment, "We get one more policeman here we will have the Police Choir." Naturally - there was the later need to speak with our neighbors. Undoubtedly, they hastily pulled a beverage out of the refrigerator and tried to locate binoculars. But we did what had to be done. It was in view of a greater responsibility - and that responsibility is to care equally for every member of our family. We could not save the one, to lose the other. The goal was for the future integrity of our family unit. The responsibility was to care in equal and even-handed manner toward each member.
Today our relationship with our son has been lovingly restored and our family unit is strong. But it is strong because we made the hard choice for the first son, for the sake of our younger son. Resentments can be subtle. And once established, can become the grudge which is forever nurtured.
Ours is not a story of success, but it is a story about undeserved mercy. God has been gracious toward us and we are grateful that our prayers have been answered regarding our firstborn. May God also guide and sustain each one of you who may find yourself overwhelmed with the thought of needing to relinquish a child to a life which is not that which was dreamed for them, but perhaps the nightmare for which they are responsible.
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